RotG - A Bitter Frost - 13

How many times had I promised myself that I wouldn't return to the town I grew up in? I couldn't even remember, but after seeing Pippa and Isaac, I was compelled to check in on them every few weeks. It was never for very long that I visited, just a quick fly through town to peer in the windows. If I had stayed any longer, I would've gotten caught up in my emotions again. I told myself that I couldn't afford to lose time like that, but my fairies picked up the slack easily as long as I kept giving them directions. The real reason I avoided letting myself get too attached was that some part of me believed avoiding the feeling now would make things easier when I had to face the reality of the two of them dying, too. When the Man in the Moon had chosen me for this, he must've known that the first few decades wouldn't exactly be easy for me. Losing a person that was so dear to me in childhood had been tragically difficult, but knowing that I would outlive everyone I cared for and that most of them would never see or talk to me again was a new, fresh heartbreak that was even harder to cope with.

I didn't talk to Pippa again as a few more years passed, but I know she saw me. I'd give her a smile and a wave and she'd nod back, and then I'd fly on. There were times when Isaac looked right in my direction, but he still never saw me. He was my brother, I'd grown up with him, protected him, taken care of him, played with him... but he'd never see me again. I tried to let that go, but it was still difficult. But he was happy, and so was Pippa. They'd gotten to live the full lives that they deserved. There was nothing I could do to change anything and this was how things were supposed to be. I tried to let go of the hurt and lose myself to the job but I couldn't. Everything I'd ever known would be gone soon. Well, everything except Jack but I'd all but given up hope that he'd ever care again and that just made everything worse. It was one thing for him to not care about me but... Pippa? This reality of everyone passing on but us, he couldn't possibly shrug it off so easily, could he?

Isaac died a peaceful death a few years winters later. Old age claimed him in his sleep and I was there when they held the memorial service in the town square as they had for Jack and myself so many years ago. As much as I had tried to lose the part of me that was Tabitha, it would always remain, and the death of my other brother hit me hard. I wept as much as any other person standing in the square - his wife and children, and his grandchildren were all there. The only difference was that while they all had their arms wrapped around each other in their grief, there was no one there to hold me and protect me from the cold and the sorrow. Maybe some of the children saw me, but there were more important things at hand than the sight of me. I followed the funeral procession as they carried Isaac's coffin to the cemetery. I hadn't spent so much time on my feet for a long time but I didn't have it in me to fly that day. He was lain to rest right next to the stone that bore James' name, and not far away were the graves of my parents. To my surprise, there was also a stone marked with my own name. The ground below it was nothing but dirt, I knew, but it must've been some sort of honorary marker despite the fact that they hadn't had a body to bury. After the last of the grieving left the cemetery and headed back to town, I was alone. I stood motionless as the air grew colder and a light snow fell. Still more tears slipped down my cheeks. Yes, I was immortal, but something inside of my was still a 16-year-old girl who was now having to cope with the loss of everyone in her family.

I finally turned and walked back to town, though I didn't know why. I found myself walking to the Overland house, though it wasn't really the Overland house anymore. I didn't know what name Pippa had taken when she'd married. I stood back from it, peering in through the window from a distance. The grandchildren were abed already and their parents were off to bed as well. Only Pippa and her husband remained, dousing the lights. When there was only one left, Pippa's eyes swept across the window and landed on me. I didn't know why I was still standing there. I suppose I just needed human comfort. I could've talked to the other Guardians but they were so busy with their own jobs that I felt it would be rude to interrupt. My fairies would do their best to comfort me too, but it wasn't the same. Pippa said something to her husband and he turned to their room. When he was in their bed, Pippa came over to the door, opening it and slowly stepping outside. I looked slightly away from her eyes, my own still teary.

She took a step forward. "I'm sorry, Tabitha," she said quietly. The snow came down in great flakes between us, and I couldn't say anything. She took another few steps and I turned my gaze to the ground. "I don't know how you became like this," she said, "but I know that your love for your family never diminished. It has been many years yet here you stand. You seem to have not aged a day."

What am I doing here? I asked myself. I should be back at the Tooth Palace. I have a job to do. But I couldn't bring myself to wave my wings and fly away. I just stood there with my arms wrapped around myself, tears in my eyes, snow clinging to my feathers, and Pippa standing in front of me. Pippa spoke again, "I understand the pain of loss. I know that I cannot offer much comfort." She rested her hand on my forearm and suddenly I was sobbing. She reached her arms around me and hugged me. It was the first human touch I'd had in over fifty years and I couldn't control my crying. For a few minutes we just stood there, me crying and her just hugging me, so much like I had held her all those years ago in the square after Jack had died. She was all that I had left of my life as Tabitha.

Eventually my tears ran dry and I took a deep breath. "I wish there was more I could do for you," Pippa said, "but I know that you can't stay here for long." I nodded, wiping my face and taking a few more deep breaths, still staring at the ground. "Maybe Jack can help you, though," she said, trying to smile a little bit. She held her hands out, catching snowflakes. "After all, he can't be too far away with this weather." This almost brought on a wave of fresh tears but I bit my lip and held them back. "Tabitha?" she asked. "You and Jack are still close, aren't you? Or has that changed since you both... died, or changed, or whatever this is called."

I shook my head, taking another deep breath and finally raising my eyes to meet hers. "We don't talk," I said, trying to keep the emotion from my voice. "Or at least, he doesn't talk to me." I didn't know if I wanted to get into the subject but the words came almost without me thinking about them. "I don't know what he's been like when you've seen him, if he's said anything to you or acknowledged you at all, but he's never talked to me. I guess it's because he doesn't recognize me in this shape," I said, gesturing to my feathers.

"I'm so sorry, Tabitha," she said. "He's never said anything to me either, and I wondered... But I suppose being turned into a magical being might change a person? But you've kept your loving heart. Maybe there's hope still that you and he will be friends like you were when we were all children. He always just wanted other people to be happy, and I want the two of you to be happy, too," she said, taking my hand in her old ones.

I nodded, choking back more tears and tried to smile. I didn't know what else to say. "You shouldn't stay outside, Pippa," I said, changing the subject instead. "It's so cold, I wouldn't want you to get sick."

"But are you going to be ok?"

I nodded again, smiling a little wider. "Of course, in a little bit of time. I'll be right as rain. Besides, you're right that I can't stay long. I have a job to do."

"Take care, Tabitha," she said, patting my arm. "I'll be here, ok?"

"You'll see me again," I said, realizing that she too had experienced this sort of loneliness. Jack had died when she was so young and then she'd lost her parents at some point too. "I'll come back," I promised. We didn't have to both be lonely.

She hugged me again and then turned and slowly made her way back into her house. Before she closed it behind her, she turned back. "I haven't given up on Jack," she said, looking at me with a small smile and confidence in her eyes. "Don't you, either." I nodded, but it was so hard to believe that he'd ever be anything like the Jackson Overland that I'd fallen in love with. Maybe Pippa wouldn't give up, but it was hard for me not to.

When she closed the door, I took a deep breath, knowing that I had to return to my work. I let my wings slowly lift me off the ground. It felt much harder to fly, but it was more due to the heaviness in my heart than the snow on my wings. I didn't remember having ever flown so slowly. My eyes unfocused as I rose above the town and I wrapped my arms around myself again, maybe trying to keep the cold out and maybe trying to hold my emotions in. If I just kept flying upward, I'd be at the Tooth Palace eventually, so there was no reason to pay any more attention to where I was going. Soon, clouds enveloped me.

Suddenly, in a rush of wind something darted past me, nearly hitting me. I was startled out of my daze, hovering in midair for a second, staring in the direction that the wind had blown. Another breeze swept back toward me and suddenly Jack Frost was hovering a few feet away from me. "Sorry about that," he said with a bit of a chuckle. I just stared at him. It was the first time he'd really spoken to me and he seemed sincere enough. "I've seen you around, you're the Tooth Fairy, right?" he continued. "You yelled at me for my blizzards," he laughed again.

I should've been happy that he was talking to me. But it was obvious he still had no idea who I was and I wasn't in any mood to laugh with him or try to explain who I was. I just shook my head and began flying upwards again. "Hey," I heard him say, and he flew upward to keep pace with me. He kept watching me and I ignored him. I'd lost almost everything and even though I couldn't blame him because my transformation was so much more drastic than his had been, it hurt too much that he didn't recognize me. "Are you ok?" he asked me. There was actual concern on his face. "What's wrong?" But he wasn't Jackson Overland. He wasn't the boy I'd known. He wasn't, he wasn't, things were different and he'd never be that boy again and- I gave a sudden burst of speed and shot upwards away from him. After years of teetering between the hope that we'd be friends yet again and trying to just forget about him, and this was the night he chose to be sociable? I couldn't. "Hey!" I heard him call out again but I ignored it, biting my lip and focusing my eyes upward. I didn't know if he was following me but it didn't matter, and when I arrived in the Tooth Palace, I knew he wouldn't be able to follow me there. I hovered for a minute, staring downward, but instead of sky below me, I saw the ground, the grassy hills and the pond next to the wall.

My fairies chirped happily at my return and flocked around me but I simply floated down to the pond and landed in it on my knees, looking up at the wall. Over time as more and more children began to believe in me, a mural had emerged on the wall, the previously undefined splashed of color morphing into an image of me and a bunch of children. Some fairies landed on my shoulders and my arms, putting their little hands against my feathers and looking up at me with concerned faces while still more hovered around me, giving little chirps of worry. "I'm ok," I said quietly though I don't think I was convincing anyone. Instead of explaining further, I just began reciting the names and locations of teeth that were constantly going through my head. One by one the fairies took off in flight, heading out to collect teeth and leave pennies in their places.


***


I didn't have the heart to move for weeks. Fairies constantly surrounded me and I realized that they could do the job just fine without me if I kept reciting names and locations for them. If I hadn't been there, they wouldn't be able to cover all of the places they needed to, so in that way I was indeed necessary and my job was still important, but they did a good job. Eventually I started leaving the Tooth Palace again and doing field work like they were doing. I had remembered too that I had to keep my promise to Pippa and keep visiting her. I saw her a few more times. Sometimes we didn't talk and other times we did, but we always kept the conversation light. The emotions that I'd gone through were enough for me and at her age there was no reason to burden her with heavy conversation. "Don't give up on Jack," she always told me, and I never had the heart to tell her that I had stopped hoping for he and I to be friends. I saw him a few more times, and he saw me, but these times it was I that flew away before he could say anything instead of the other way around.

A few more winters passed before my eyes and one year, Pippa got sick. I visited her more and more, slipping into her bedroom at night so she wouldn't have to come out into the cold. Her husband had passed on so there was no need to worry about waking anyone. It hurt to see her health decline though and as much as I tried to prepare myself for when I would lose her too, it still tore through my heart like a winter storm when she too passed away.

I once again invisibly attended the memorial service and followed the funeral procession to the cemetery, watching them lay her to rest as they had done with Isaac just years ago. I wasn't crying as much at this service as I had at Isaac's but not because I cared less. It seemed as though my heart had reached its capacity for sorrow. With Pippa gone, I had lost everything. Yes, the Moon had chosen me for an immortal life and the job of collecting teeth, but this was the last dregs of my human life slipping away.

As fate would have it, it was snowing that evening too. Instead of lingering in the cemetery, I followed the procession back to the town. I just felt empty and soon I was standing in the town square, staring at the fire. "Hey, you ok?" I heard someone say. I instantly began to hover rather than keep my feet on the ground and looked around but I didn't see anyone. "Up here," he said and then I recognized his voice. There he was, crouched on a rooftop, one hand wrapped around his staff. Jack Frost. "Why do you come back here so much? I see you other places but you're here a lot. And why are you always so sad when you're here?"

My heart didn't have room for sadness, but it had room for anger, and seeing Jack sparked that anger within me. He didn't care about me - or, well, Tabitha anyway - anymore, he hadn't cared about my family, about Isaac, or even about his own family but now he was completely ignoring the fact that Pippa had just died. But yet he had the audacity to ask me what was wrong and act like he cared? He hadn't shown Pippa a bit of caring in the rest of her life. He had just lost everything too, but here he was, making snow and sitting on a rooftop. Rage overtook the numbness and I flew up at him, grabbing him by the collar of his cloak and looking directly in his now pale blue eyes. "Jackson Overland!" I shouted, using his old name without thinking. "Do you care that you've lost everyone you loved? Do you care that the person you loved most in the world is dead now? Have you really moved on that easily?"

He stared at me, looking sort of scared. "I don't know what you-"

"You don't know what I'm talking about? Is that it? What, you've lost your memory? You've forgotten everything, you've forgotten me, you've forgotten her?" He looked less scared and more hopeful and curious but it barely even registered with me.

"Can you tell me what you mean? Please?" he said.

"If you don't care about her, then you won't give a damn about anything that I have to say," I spat furiously. "Your heart is as cold as your winter storms." I let go of his collar and took off, flying my fastest.

"Wait!" he shouted behind me. "Wait, please!" No, I thought to myself. If you're done caring, Jack, then so am I. "Just tell me what you're talking about!" he called. He was flying after me, but soon I flew back into the Tooth Palace and he couldn't follow me there. Maybe it's better to just forget.



***



There was nothing left to connect me to the human world anymore, nothing to tie me to the human life I'd once lived. The only possible connection that remained was Jack but even that wasn't real. He wasn't Jackson Overland. Everything I'd once known and loved was gone, so I found new love in my job instead. Collecting teeth, bringing happiness to kids, that was my new life. Tabitha was gone, Toothiana was all that I was now.

Without those reminders of my previous life, I found over the years that my old identity slowly slipped away. Soon, I could barely remember any of it. I'd once been Tabitha, I knew, and I had known Jack in that other life, but beyond that, none of it was important enough to remember. The grief I had felt melted away. Fifty more years passed, and then another hundred after that. I completed jobs in my hometown without even so much as a twinge of pain. I ran into Jack Frost on more occasions and sometimes he tried to ask me more questions. I didn't ignore him but I told him that I didn't know what he was talking about, and at that point I don't know if I could've told him anything anyway. I wasn't Tabitha anymore and her existence was fuzzy in my mind, like a memory from a dream.

I forgot my pain, my grief, I forgot the fact that everyone from my human life was now dead. I forgot my childhood, the snowball fights, the pastries, Jack's kisses, even my own name. I wasn't sad anymore.

I was Toothiana, the Tooth Fairy. My joy was collecting teeth and I never stopped. I rarely sat still, though eventually I spent more and more time at the Tooth Palace, telling my fairies the names of children and the locations of teeth. The Palace grew larger and grander with every year as the world below us evolved and changed too. Sometimes there was the sadness of war, and sometimes there was joy and prosperity. Sometimes there was darkness, and sometimes fear seeped into people's minds, but belief in the good in life always prevailed. Through it all, there were always teeth to collect I would cheer for the children whose teeth were white and shiny, and the wall of tooth containers grew bigger and bigger. As the value of money changed, so too changed the coins that we gave to the children. Pennies became nickels, nickels became dimes, and eventually we were giving children quarters under their pillows. My mural grew ever more and became more and more detailed. I was thrilled for the job the Moon had given me, and it seemed as though I couldn't possibly want to do anything else. Sure, it was hard work sometime, but it was always worth it. It kept children happy, and we had the power to bring back their memories of childhood whenever it was needed. I couldn't have asked for anything else and I would've loved for things to stay like that forever.

But then, three hundred years after the Moon had chosen me, the many-colored lights lit up the sky again, and I knew it was the call from the Pole, the call to gather the Guardians together. With a few fairies surrounding me, I took off and headed north.